It is official. We have ended things with the guy I’ve been seeing for the past eight months.

The horrible thing about it is that he dragged me along and hoping to find the light if he wanted me or some other girl. Our relationship may as what you call very unconventional but I was committed to him as I swore I would be. I promised to be honest and loyal to him. The least he could do was do the same.

It really hurts to be in this position. To be the one being left aside because he already found another even before things ended between us. It sucks, really. But what could I do? I’m feeling helpless so I guess the best thing I have to do is move on. And show him that my life is ultimately way better than having him around.

I can’t wait for the day that I can slap on his face with the success of my life. I really can’t wait for that day where he looks at me and wished he never left me.

Yep, I’m hoping for a revenge in a way that I’ll be happier and more successful, focusing on things that will make me a better person. That for sure would make him realize he lost a gem that used to be just on his hand.

I’ve done so many things for him, I guess it’s time that I’ll do things for myself. Which will be a loss for him.

Seriously, though, can’t wait for that day he’ll look at me and think that I was the best thing that ever happened to him.

I’ve been seeing this particular guy since February. We’ve had our ups and our downs. We had gone into things I’ve never explored before. And somehow, even in the few months we’ve been together… I somehow can’t say to myself that I love him. My heart says I love him, but my mind tells me no… it’s not the right time to fall in love yet. I’m in a situation where I need to keep my head on my education, but I have to admit that the thought of losing him will hurt me tons. There were times that I almost lost him, and it was so heartbreaking that even he wasn’t yet lost, it feels terrible that the idea that he might leave me. Now, I need to be stronger and realize that things may not work out for us because of our situation. I need to listen to what my mind says and not my heart. My heart should be somewhere else… and that is going after my dreams!

Ugh, I don’t give a damn if you’re talking about her to me. I DON’T GIVE A FLYING SHIT ABOUT HER. I don’t like her so why are you forcing me to listen to some shit that I couldn’t care less. Ugh, go away! -.-

It is always like this.

I know you’re there. I know you’re available. But somehow, I end up wondering what I would ask and say to you. I just want to talk.

The moments that I spent talking to you is worth it. I don’t care if I lost a couple of hours just talking random things to you. I seriously think it’s worth it. Just getting to know more of you and hear your opinion about things is definitely interesting.

For one I can say I wish you would pay attention more. Hopefully, you will. I’m sure that you’re one hell of a guy and knowing you has been such a pleasure. It would be really great if you did feel the same way that I did.

I appreciate you as a friend and hopefully, you do too.

I just realized that most of my posts are sad, in misery and about sorrows. I decided today to make an entry on a positive note.

You know those days when you think everything has fallen apart? The days where you just want to give up life? Yes, those days where you just want to give everything up and curl in one corner and never move.

It happens to us, at least once in our lifetime. I have been in that position for a few times already. Trust me, it was not a fun experience at all. I just want to remove myself from the world and live in a bubble where I can do whatever I want and be happy.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen. We need to open to the realities of life. That at some point, we need to be at the lowest to appreciate everything that good happens to us. We need to be at the dark days to see the light. We need to see what is black and white, to appreciate the colors.

And how do we do that? Just keep remembering that tomorrow is another day. Another day where you can do different things. Another day where you can choose another decision that would make your life a whole ton brighter. Another day where you can make a change, a different turn on your life.

And you could start it off with a single positive smile. 🙂

…I’m so tired of being put as a second choice. I’m just tired of everything, plain and simple.

That’s like how it normally goes.

I try to be there for people I care about. Listen to them when they are down. Comfort them at their lowest. Cheer them up when they feel like everything is falling apart. Express my joy on the achievements they made.

In simpler terms, just being there for them when they think that nobody is there for them.

In my case, it seems that I still have to seek them out. They will never understand what I feel. Because our conversations involved on one subject… them.

Being unselfishness has its downs. And now, I realize all that.

The fact that people will always think of me as the second best and that I am never the first on the list. No matter how much it pains me, I still continue being the masochist and stick around for them. Even if I am hurting, I am still bearing the pain and put on a happy face for them.

Sometimes, I just want to give up. Go away and disappear. And will seek out who among these people actually do care what I do in my life and gives a tiny bit of attention of me.

I am sick and tired of these people using me. I just really hope one day they would realize I won’t be sticking around for them… the moment I get fed up with all their misery.

I’ve always wanted people to be a part of my life, even if I am the one making the effort to make them stay. I don’t care if they don’t try, as long as I make sure that I’ll always include them in my life.

However, it doesn’t work that way.

I also need the people, who I wanted to be a part of my life, to cooperate; by making a move or showing they want to stay with me. And not just me, who’s acting on behalf for them.

This line made me realize a lot of things. That in life, if people really wanted to be a part of your life, they will try and make a way that they will stay. I’ve met enough people who I try to be a part of my life… but they move away. I don’t know what it is about me that puts them off, but I try to be the most versatile person so they could be a part of my life.

I just hope one day… I will meet the person who’s willing to stick with me through thick and thin. Because I know life is a bumpy ride, and it’d be fun and comforting to have someone to ride alongside with me.